It’s Not About the Dishes: Why Couples Keep Having the Same Fight and What to Do Instead
By: Emma Beale, MA, LPC, Owner of Superbloom Therapy Services in Phoenix, AZ
Why is fighting about the dishes a ubiquitous experience in relationships? In the grand scheme,
it’s a few minutes, a light task, and should be relatively unmentioned. Yet most couples have this
fight (or a similar one) regularly.
When a couple comes into my office, they often say they’re looking to improve communication:
“if only we could speak differently, maybe we wouldn’t fight about the dishes so much - we both
know it’s a silly argument and we can’t figure out why it keeps happening!”
They’re both right and wrong. Some of the work couples do in therapy is improving
communication, but most of the work is helping folks connect with what’s underneath the words
being said, no matter how polished they are.
John Gottman is widely known for research showing that 69% of arguments couples have are
unresolvable. This stat may sound discouraging on the surface, but is actually quite
encouraging with the right context. The takeaway is that the fight about the dishes was never
really about the dishes. Your partner will likely always be more or less competent at doing the
actual dishes than you are and despite how it feels in the moment, that’s more than likely
absolutely okay.
The real work is unearthing the feelings under the proverbial dishes fight. This likely is a more
complex web of values, personality, life experience, and for many folks some degree of trauma.
Especially when the trauma is activated for one or both partners, the nervous system has a
reaction that makes it relatively impossible to hear the other or work through the conversation at
hand. Often, this ends up looking like one partner yelling (pursuing connection) and the other
shutting down (withdrawing to protect the connection). The cycle may continue like this
indefinitely without a few key shifts.
The first shift that’s absolutely critical is to pause when activation shows up. Take a few minutes
away from each other to do something grounding. A crucial part of this break is disconnecting
from the argument for a moment - don’t think about what you’re going to say when you come
back or how mad your partner is making you. Another very important element is actually coming
back and communicating when that will happen - this serves to protect the connection even
when it feels threatened.
The second, more complex shift, is to start to understand your partner’s inner world that is
getting activated in the moment. What is she feeling (deeper than anger or annoyance)? What is
your reaction communicating to him (not in the way you intend, but in the way his nervous
system understands)? What does the argument represent in terms of values, dreams, and
connection?
As you start to peel back these layers with each other, you can get to the goal: understanding.
Notice the goal here isn’t changing your partner’s behavior. Once you truly understand and feel
understood, it’s multitudes easier to accept the things that are different between you. Once you
can see that the dishes really represent feeling controlled or unseen, it’s easy to contextualize
the reaction and soften rather than attack or shut down.
Conflict will still happen. Your partner will load the dishwasher differently than you would like
sometimes. But when it does, if you are at the heart of the experience, it can be a beautiful
moment to see each other more clearly and love more wholeheartedly rather than the same old
fight that improved communication skills just doesn’t change.
If you need some help dissecting these patterns in your relationship, an outside perspective can
help. Couples therapy might be a good place to start if you’re feeling stuck. Reach out for
support if you need it.
The content of this blog is for education purposes only and is not therapy or advice. Reach out
to a licensed professional for specific support or call 988 if you’re having a mental health crisis
or are experiencing abuse in your relationship.
